I skipped work to stalk him.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
