Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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