Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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