I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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