He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
