my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
