Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
