i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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