you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
