she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
