no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
