Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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