I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
