ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
