I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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