Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
