I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
4 words: hood of his car
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
