I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
