did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
