Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
