It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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