i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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