I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
