a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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