Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
