We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sext me about skeletons
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
