If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
