Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
