my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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