It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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