I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
