I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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