I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
