my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
