i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
