So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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