she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
