I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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