I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
