I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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