hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
