The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
