Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
