Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I smell like Dick and happiness
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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