There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
