If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
