saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
