Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
