the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
