I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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